Here I am

The light at the end of the tunnel isn't looking any brighter, maybe because I feel like I am walking around with my eyes closed! The end is going to be a close call between pass/fail. As long as it ends... It is starting to storm here so I must go.

Mental Health Issue

There is never an easy soulution to the Mental Health Issue but something has to be done. On top of the school shootings, there has been bomb threats at the High School in our school dist. It makes me nervous because my kids will be going there next year.

As I write I have a very dear friend who sits in the Hosp. with a punctured lung and many other injuries from her husband beating her. He has had a mental health issue for spmetime but he went over the edge the other night. They have five kids toghther and he beat her in front of them. This couldn't have been good for any of them. I don't know how she is I have to call her mom to find out.

I get worn out just thinking of all of this. I don't understand. I know it is hard to get help but come on when you feel yourself gettint to a certain point you HAVE to get help. Would someone rather hurt people than get help? I just don't understand.

PETS

I have had some funny pets over the years. One time I had a pot belly pig that liked to sleep in my dirty clothing. I had two ferrets that liked to play tag with the cat, a cat that was male that thought he was a mother cat and tried to breast feed kittens. Currently there is my first and only dog, he thinks he is a real boy. The other day my husband and I were laying in bed and the dog jumped up and was staring at us. Pretty soon my youngest daughter climbs up and goes to lay next to me. Well, the dog wasn't going to stand for that so he shoved her out of the way and laid down as close as he could to me! He's a great boy and funny as all get out!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

So here I am sitting in the tunnel that has been so dark for what seems like forever and atlast I can see the light. There it is 12 weeks off. IT is a small dim light right now but as each day passes it will be bigger and brighter. Again, I will have come out on top of a hard and tireing trip, but it will be well worth it. Thank you for those who knew I could make it, even when I wasn't so sure. Thank you to those who stood by me when I wasn't the nicest person to be near. Thank you to those who prayed for me, and Thank you God for answering the prayers.

The bad is good.

It is nice to see that all the things that I have gone through and my kids have gone through, gives others hope, because we have walked away without too many scars. I find more and more people who are sitting in the same boat that I was in and they know the struggles that I have endured. They say to me if you can make it than so can I. Some tell their kids to go ask my kids the things that their dad ( jerk off) has done to them because that childs dad is doing the same. Somehow, just by letting people know that I have gone through real bad stuff and come out on top I have helped them. Stranged, I always thought helping was physically doing something for someone and now I am learning that sometimes giving someone hope is all they need. Happy Spring!!!

My cup

I've never made a fortune, and it's probably too late now.But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhowAnd as I go along life's way,I'm reaping better than I sowed.I'm drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed. Haven't got a lot of riches,and sometimes the going's tough.But I've got loving ones all around me,and that makes me rich enough. I thank God for his blessings,and the mercies He's bestowed.I'm drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed.I remember times when things went wrong,My faith wore somewhat thin.But all at once the dark clouds broke,and the sun peeped through again.
So Lord, help me not to gripe,about the tough rows I have hoed.I'm drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed.If God gives me strength and courage,When the way grows steep and rough.I'll not ask for other blessings,I'm already blessed enough.
And may I never be too busy,to help others bear their loads.Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed.

Falling Deeper...

I have fallen so deep right now that I can almost see the bottom. Thats not good because the light is at the top. JKF obviously wasn't attending nurseing school when he said "the only thing we have to fear is fear it self". I have a pharm test tomarrow. I think that one I may pass. I have yet another test tomarrow. That one I have a feeling I will fail. I just can't keep all these disorders straight in my head.
The strss is really taking its toll on me. I bleed in between periods, I have Acid reflux and a sore throat because of it, I lost 8 lbs in one month ( which really isn't that bad). I am burning out and I have 3 little months to go. I keep telling myself this but it only makes me sicker. Can't I have a test double so I can take tomarrow off and still pass?

Falling down again.

"Fear is that dark room where negatives are developed" - From the Sisterhood of the traveling pants.
So how many times can you pull youself up when you have been knocked down? I don't know but I do know that my friends are picking me back up and pushing me forward. I have a 62% in Pharm and all my very dear friends have all told me they are going to take turns helping me study for the next 3 tests. That is all we have left is 3 tests then the final. I am so very glad that they are here for me. I may have just not shown up come Monday because honestly I am sick of the fight. I would have just thrown in the towel and said I tried. These guys won't let me do that though. I wish I could have my mommy here so I could cry on her shoulder. Sometimes I wish i was still little and the magic of mommy makes everything better. I wonder when the magic of mommy stoped working. There doesn't seem to be anything I can point out that says yes that is the day it stopped working. It's sad I am almost 30 (shhhh) and I still want the magic of my mommy. Hopefully the magic I carry for my kids will never wear off. Yeah, right.

On the other hand....

On the other hand...you have 5 different fingers.
The weather is finally warming up. It will be bareable (?) to go outside again. YIIIPPPEEEE! I can once again walk away the stress when I am on break at school.
My husband will be off for 5 more weeks of work. They still don't know if they will be doing surgery or not. I don't know much about my husband job but, couldn't skids be moved with only 9 fingers and a dolly? I am nervous about the money. He didn't go back on workman's comp., he is on Short term disability insurance. I know nothing about it! As I grow older I hate the unknown. At this rate I am going to be one of those old ladies stuck in the past, with her old furniture and her old ways. Oh, my. Don't have time to worry about money or is it I don't have time to worry about school. I don't have time to worry at all!!

Oh the weather

I can't beleive how long the kids have not had school because of the Snow, ice and cold. They have been off or delayed all this week. On the other hand even in the worst of it my school was not cancelled or delayed. This has really got me fired up. I called off yesterday because there was atleast an inch of ice on my road alone, then this morning I can't get the doors open on any of the cars in my driveway. The school is going to try to charge me $50 to make up yesterday and I say kiss my butt. If I had of went and got into an accident and tried to sue the school, they would tell me that it was my choice to go. I am loosing heart on this school. I don't have the drive I used to to get my education because you have to fight every step of the way. If I were to give up now I don't think I'd go back because I was so frusterated. I don't know. Atleast the weather will ease up next week.

Fast forward and slow Motion

Is it possible to have gone or begoing fast forward and be in slow motion all at the same time. Let's take slow motion first. Between this deep freeze and school I feel stuck. I feel that one day is the same as the next except that I get up at different times. I have 3 months of school left, it feels like forever....
Let's go to the fast forward part. Wasn't it just yesterday my oldest was in kidergarden and got introuble on the bus for kissing a boy. Now she is almost 12 and she went on her first real date with a boy ( her boyfriend). They went to the movies. My husband and I had this big debate whether or not one of us should go to the movies with them. I said yes and he said no ( if you can beleive that). Weel, turns out the boys mother was going to go with them and she sat right next to them. Atleast I was going to sit a few rows back. This made my husband laugh but it set my mind at ease. So there it is Fast Forwar and Slow Motion at the same time.

Love Thine Enemy?

Love Thine Enemy, or maybe it is more Keep your friends close and your enemies closer , or could it be Greed is one of the seven deadly sins? I am not really sure. I have debated for days about this. About whether to post this or not and why I did this. Ok, so here it is.
The other day when I dropped my son off jerk off "needed" to speak with me. SO I took a few mins. to let him plead his case with me. And plead he did. About how broke he is because of the child support and his old college taking money out of his check ect. I told him, without anger, without hatered, that he never cared when I was in that situation. So blah,blah, blah he says and then I just said that when I get a job after graduation I would make sure that the child support was reduced. Well, the court will make sure, my lawyer already told me they would. I can't reamin angry though. I'm not even going to try to fight it when the time comes. I can only take so much stress in my life and I am reaching my breaking point. If a reduction in child support in 5 months will get him off my back then fine. I just want to be left alone!!!! Life is hard enough wirhout adding him into the mix. I know I should have thought about that before. I just thought we would live happily ever after.

BE CAREFUL

I know that there are many people out there that are allergic to asprin. Also we all know not to give it to children under 16, so the following list of over the counter drugs that contain asprin may surpise you.

• Alka-Seltzer
• Pamprin
• Pepto-Bismol ( although they now sell asprin free knds also. Check the label)
• Sine-Off
• Kaopectate

Also remember that cold meds., unless otherwise labeled, contain pain releiver so there is no need to give or take one with it. Otherwise you may overdose or overdose your child. Non-asprin pain relief is not completly safe. Over dose can cause kidney failure. Just thought everyone would like to know.

Dreaming at night

In the back of my mind I must be afraid of going backward in life. I often have dreams or nightmares, of living in a really bad area. The other day I dreamt that I was living in this bad area and I couldn't find out how to get the kids to school. Once I figured it out and took them, they never came home. A gang had kidnapped them and they wanted $16,000. The apartment it self was nice, but outside it was so dark. I had to walk up the street to a bar where one of the gang memebers worked ( can you imagine they had real jobs) to give him some money. There were people in the shadows but no one said anything to me. When I got back home I was in a panick. Even though I lived on the 2nd floor I just knew someone was going to break into my house. I remember putting this gel that would burn your hands if touched, around the window ledges and on the bottom of the window. I don't really remember the rest.
Maybe the fact that we have another car payment is bothering me. I don't really know. I do know that I will never allow my self or my kids to live in a bad neighborhood again. I hate the fact that my son goes to jerk offs ,who lives in a bad neighborhood. Unfourtunatly, I have no control over that.

No title

My husband bought a 2005 Mustange over the weekend. I gave him the go ahead because he deserves something to show his hard work. Except now, I feel this yerning for a house. I have felt it for a long time but it is getting stronger and stronger and I just may burst!! No, not burst but just get something that I sort of like just to say hey I have one!! I know I have to wait til I graduate before I get a house so we will have a nice combine income but I DON'T WANT TO WAIT! Sounds childish I know. I'm almost 30 wasn't I suppose to have a house by now? Ok I really should be concentrateing on school and stay focused so I can get my license, to get a job, to buy a house. I guess that just gives me more gumption to pass, huh. I'll still be over 30 by the time I get one though. A nice big yard, plenty of room, yep that is what I want. Brick or stone would be nice. I must go my oldest has homework and then dance class.

Who ordered this weather?

For the first time this winter it is snowing hard, big flakes! IT is pretty but I was being spoiled with nice warm weather! I know it needs to snow in the winter so there is enough water but, ...
I think that the Farmer's Almanac is interesting and from what I hear, does a pretty good job at predicting the weather. I have never read it, but my uncle who was a farmer use to.
For as tired as I have been this week, I have been doing really well inschool! My grades have really come up!! Maybe it is because I have relaxed and said to my self that a C was OK. I psych myself out sometimes. Well, half of the kids are sick so I will be staying in tonight hopeing I don't get sick. Have a good weekend.

Freud and friends

Lets talk about an intersting subject....Freud. Some in my class call him a pervert because all his childhood therioes relate back to sex. Prevert?, Not sure about that. However, he does seem to have this preoccupation with sex and if you know more about his teachings he has a big mother issue also. Back to his chidhood stages he has a stage called Anality which is where kids have a preoccupation with holding on to things ( mainly their poop). This is where we get the people are anal thing from. So what about the other guys who have stages of children theories, none of theirs relates to sex. Erikson has trust vs. Mistrust, which I think that man is straight on with that one. If you don't pick up a crying infant then they develope mistrust. As we get into the school age years I think that is where all of them have some sort of idea but none have nailed it on the head. Or it could be that times have changed so much. For instance my 7 year old is much more interested in clothing and talking on the phone. This is suppose to be saved of the later years. So for you who have children what do you think? Do you have any theories of your own?

Stepping Up

I have finally learned to just except the C's that I am getting and move along. Why stress over a C when there are bigger fish to fry. I have a test every day this coming week and Iv certification. OOOOH, the pressure and that is why I won't let a C bother me. I found the sort of jobs that I want to do and I just can't wait to get my license. I am more excited then a teen getting their driver's license. Only 5 months to go!! I don't care what Ms. werido strange teacher has to say about my clinical assignments because everyone else gave me a positive reveiw. So there. I am not going to worry about things that really don't need be worried about. Atleast I'll try!

Messy, messy

You know when people say their house is such a mess and then you go in and it looks spotless to you? Well, that is not the case here today. OMG, the little girls' room is a night mare. For a small room it is going to take me all after noon to clean it. They have been working on it all week and have gotten, well, no where. Time for Mom to step in. They are going to be left with 7 shirts a peice and if they can take care of those, only then can they earn some back. I'm getting pretty good at this typing. Too bad it took me 10years to get this good!!

Depression, Frustration, ect.

Would it be uncouragous ( is that a word?) if I were to quit nursing school now? I feel as though I am falling flat on my face. I studied very hard for the past two tests and got a C. How did that happen. Well, of coarse the one was the tricky teachers test. Sorry teachers, but, there are some out there that just shouldn't be one ( as with any career ). The retake for last semesters finale is next week and frankly I am scared. I really would like to quit right now. Then again, I would kick my self if I did. How much can one person take though?
" Can you help me I'm bent? I'm so scared that I'll never get put back together."
What am I doing wrong? I really try to be positive. Wish the school was a little more positive. Well, I guess I'll keep trying.