The what if game

Today I am playing the what if game with myself, I know it is a bad game. Sometimes I wish I could peak into the future so I know the consequences of my actions before I do them. I am afraid of what I have done will come back and haunt me in the form of my teenage daughter.
What if I made all the wrong decisions and they don't show up until it is too late. What if she makes all the same misatakes I did. All I can do is hope that I raised her well and the mistakes I made won't be hers too.

not ready

I don't think I am ever going to ready to take this state nursing exam. I still don't feel that I know enough. I don't use MOST of it working so I am not in constant practice and the simple things that I should be remembering I forget and remember when it is too late. I feel like such a bad nurse. Somedays I wonder why I wanted this career, then I remember and feel bad because I have no true direction. True, I am helping people remain independant but, they don't want to help themselves. Here's a quick tip: If you want to stay in your home except the help that is coming in. Otherwise, there may be no other chpice then to be put into a home. On the other hand if you are the help respect the wishes of those you are helping as long as they remain safe and clean. If they don't want to give you something of theirs don't say " why do you need it?" Frankly it doesn't matter.
well, that is the bitch of the day. I just don't feel that I am doing anyone much good right now.

Things I won't miss about summer

• Things I won't miss about summer when it has gone...

• bees
• masquitos
• fleas
• sweat

I think those are the only things that I won't miss....I'm going to miss summer...

Chomping at the bit

I am sitting here practically grinding my teeth because I am bored and angry. I am so tired of the shit and I need an outlet. I just may take my daughter bike riding with me later. That way maybe I can unwind some. I have been giving a lot of my self to everyone but me and I think it is time to give something back to my self. Although sitting here thinking about it is giving me a headach and I just got over a two day migrain. I;m going to be even more upset if I don't get out because of my head.GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Soap opera/ bad movie work day

First off I get a phone call from the office, while on the way to one of my clients house, saying that I may not be able to get to the office because the streets are closed. It had been raining really hard the night before and the streets in the town the office was in, along with several other towns were flooded. This is not good! I have a chocolate cake on the floor of my car because we are celebrating the birthday of our co-boss.

I think about this for the entire time that I am at my clients house along with the fact that I know the rest of my clients for the day, I won't be able to get too due to road closures. I take the chance and go to the office. Luckily some of the water has receded and I can get as far as the office, but no where else.

We celebrate my co-bosses birthday at lunch and we are laughing and having a good ol' time. After, I go back to my desk thinking now what am I going to do I have finished the rest of my work here. My phone rings, it is my husband. While talking to him I hear commotion in the outer office about news of a tornado watch. Now I am worried because I know my husband is out in it. I tell him to call the kids and then the lights at work go out. Just as I get off the phone with him we are told that we need to go to the basement. I tell my boss that I am going home to my kids ( and the babysitter who is my best friends kid). My co-boss tells me no not with the tornado watch being out it is better if I stay. On our way downstairs I look and the downstairs carpet is wet. Must be the drain outside is plugged. Someone opens the door to check and a river of water comes down the stairs. That's not good! I don't want to drown at work and who knows how long we are going to have to stay downstairs, can't go back up because of tornado watch hummmm. Some women vouenteered to go out and unplug the drain because they didn't like the idea of dying at work either. We cleaned up the water best we could with no electric and moved boxes to higher ground. Then we decied that we were going to try to make it home. THere was one road open going the opposite way of the way I needed to go so I asked a guy what I should do to get to where I needed to go. HE said go to the light and make a u turn and head toward the city. So that is what I did and I got home ok. When my husband got home he told me that the building he had called me from, the wind had ripped it's door off. Also wind did damage to a building two doors down from where he was. The kids were fine, nothing happened around where they were, just rain. Oh, what a day.

Room to bitch

This is the only place I get to vent. No one else really wants to hear my pettieness. I am just irritated. I want to buy a house more than anything and my husband is finding more ways to spend our money. We have talked about it before but it just doesn't seem to stick. I swear he can't stay away from anything that is buy now pay later. We got rid of all our creidit cards only for him to use what I call the invisable credit card. Where you buy stuff now and pay later with interest without having the plasic. Then he wants to do this and that... I want to do stuff to and I want things but we don't have the cash to pay for it so I don't get it. The more I think about it the angier I get. I had a certain amount of money that I wanted to put away every pay so that we coukd buy a house sooner rather than later. But right now it looks like later. I am almost 30 for god's sake! I can't talk about it any more cause my feathers are ruffled.

our day trip

Yesterday we took the kids to an amusment park. In the morning the weather looked pretty miserable but, we took the chance anyway. As we were packing the van our dog jumps in and sits down. He is ready to go! He was so disappointed when we told him to get out. I told my husband that he probley thought he was being punished.
My soon to be 6 yr. old is pretty fearless. The greater the challenge the more she loves it! My soon to be 8 yr. old is afraid of heights. Once she does the high ride one time she is ok though. My older two will pretty much go on anything, espeically my son. My oldest daughter is sometimes reluctant but she will go. Me well, I can't do anything that spins in a lot of circles. When I was a kid I could but not any more! We got back around 1 am. It was worth the trip!

The Job

I am not so sure that I really like my job. It is a lot of paper work and doing blood pressures. Although I am improving the lives of some by getting them services that are needed, my job isn't that exciting. Sure the hours are perfect but I don't know, there isn't any luster. I think maybe a year of this and I may want to do more with people who are homebound with wounds. That would be cool. I'd get to see really neat things there. I don't see the point in being a Rn if they have more paper work than what I do now! I only do half of what is required by the state and county billing does the rest. Oh, well, it is a good start at any rate.

Long story short

So yes yahoo map does suck even more than map quest. Ok way more than Map Quest. It misses like three streets that you are suppose to turn onto say nothing about the street name changes even though you haven't changes streets. Good thing I have my Human GPS because I would have spent all night looking for this clients house. Ofcoarse by the time I got there she wasn't home so I had to go back the next day. Atleast I knew how to get there.!

5yr old Girls

If you have a weak stoamch you may want to move on to another blog.

I don't understand my 5 yr. old. The cat was killing a baby bird and my 5 yr old daughter is yelling at the the cat to leave it a lone. I tell her to let the cat have it, it is too injured and going to die anyway. I imagaine that the cat killed the bird and then my daughter kept yelling at it so she left. The next thing I know my 5 yr. old daughter is bring the dead bird into the house. Not because she wants me to see it or fix it, no because she just wants to carry it around and gross out her sister. Doesn't she get that this is the same bird that she didn't want the cat to kill or doesn't it matter now because it is already dead? Why isn't she mourning it like I would have been when I was Five? I just don't understand this. Should I be concerned that she isn't? Well, she was just not now that it is dead. Why? HMMMMM...

Map Quest

I want to know why the people who put directions on Map Quest don't know their right from left. You would think that would be a requirement to know that kind of stuff when your job is giving directions. This is not the first time that this has happened to me. This is like the 3rd. Now I don't use map quest that often so it makes me wounder how many of the directions are misgiven. It really busts my6 buttons though when I have to go 5 miles to just turn aorund because the computer told me the wrong way. Well now I know which way to go. Next time I will go right and not left. But for future reference maybe I'll just stick with a good old fashion map.

The Best is yet to come

I don't know why I was so blessed, but I landed a terrific job! it is a 9-5 no weekends, no holidays , no nights. It is just what I needed, just what the family needed. The only thing that I feel a little guilty about is that there isn't any wounds or anything really hard to do. I don't know why I am feeling guilty about having an easy job. Who cares it pays good! I know this will be good for everyone and the best is yet to come.

It is over!!!!!!!

It has been almost a month since my last post. It was so hectic that if I had to think to breath I would be dead. I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel until the day of graduation and there it was radiating in all its brilliance before me. There I was among 36 other students, all in white, heart beating just as hard, to receive my diploma. A piece of paper with few words that really means so much more than graduation. The paper says through the tears, sleepless nights, bitching and complaining, the butt wiping, ass kissing, bull shit...you survived!!
Now a new chapter begins. Time to test what I learned and go to work. I am excited and scared because there is not a teacher there or another student to run to to ask. I am on my own. I can do it, but it still puts butterflies in my tummy thinking about it.

Here I am

The light at the end of the tunnel isn't looking any brighter, maybe because I feel like I am walking around with my eyes closed! The end is going to be a close call between pass/fail. As long as it ends... It is starting to storm here so I must go.

Mental Health Issue

There is never an easy soulution to the Mental Health Issue but something has to be done. On top of the school shootings, there has been bomb threats at the High School in our school dist. It makes me nervous because my kids will be going there next year.

As I write I have a very dear friend who sits in the Hosp. with a punctured lung and many other injuries from her husband beating her. He has had a mental health issue for spmetime but he went over the edge the other night. They have five kids toghther and he beat her in front of them. This couldn't have been good for any of them. I don't know how she is I have to call her mom to find out.

I get worn out just thinking of all of this. I don't understand. I know it is hard to get help but come on when you feel yourself gettint to a certain point you HAVE to get help. Would someone rather hurt people than get help? I just don't understand.

PETS

I have had some funny pets over the years. One time I had a pot belly pig that liked to sleep in my dirty clothing. I had two ferrets that liked to play tag with the cat, a cat that was male that thought he was a mother cat and tried to breast feed kittens. Currently there is my first and only dog, he thinks he is a real boy. The other day my husband and I were laying in bed and the dog jumped up and was staring at us. Pretty soon my youngest daughter climbs up and goes to lay next to me. Well, the dog wasn't going to stand for that so he shoved her out of the way and laid down as close as he could to me! He's a great boy and funny as all get out!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

So here I am sitting in the tunnel that has been so dark for what seems like forever and atlast I can see the light. There it is 12 weeks off. IT is a small dim light right now but as each day passes it will be bigger and brighter. Again, I will have come out on top of a hard and tireing trip, but it will be well worth it. Thank you for those who knew I could make it, even when I wasn't so sure. Thank you to those who stood by me when I wasn't the nicest person to be near. Thank you to those who prayed for me, and Thank you God for answering the prayers.

The bad is good.

It is nice to see that all the things that I have gone through and my kids have gone through, gives others hope, because we have walked away without too many scars. I find more and more people who are sitting in the same boat that I was in and they know the struggles that I have endured. They say to me if you can make it than so can I. Some tell their kids to go ask my kids the things that their dad ( jerk off) has done to them because that childs dad is doing the same. Somehow, just by letting people know that I have gone through real bad stuff and come out on top I have helped them. Stranged, I always thought helping was physically doing something for someone and now I am learning that sometimes giving someone hope is all they need. Happy Spring!!!

My cup

I've never made a fortune, and it's probably too late now.But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhowAnd as I go along life's way,I'm reaping better than I sowed.I'm drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed. Haven't got a lot of riches,and sometimes the going's tough.But I've got loving ones all around me,and that makes me rich enough. I thank God for his blessings,and the mercies He's bestowed.I'm drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed.I remember times when things went wrong,My faith wore somewhat thin.But all at once the dark clouds broke,and the sun peeped through again.
So Lord, help me not to gripe,about the tough rows I have hoed.I'm drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed.If God gives me strength and courage,When the way grows steep and rough.I'll not ask for other blessings,I'm already blessed enough.
And may I never be too busy,to help others bear their loads.Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed.

Falling Deeper...

I have fallen so deep right now that I can almost see the bottom. Thats not good because the light is at the top. JKF obviously wasn't attending nurseing school when he said "the only thing we have to fear is fear it self". I have a pharm test tomarrow. I think that one I may pass. I have yet another test tomarrow. That one I have a feeling I will fail. I just can't keep all these disorders straight in my head.
The strss is really taking its toll on me. I bleed in between periods, I have Acid reflux and a sore throat because of it, I lost 8 lbs in one month ( which really isn't that bad). I am burning out and I have 3 little months to go. I keep telling myself this but it only makes me sicker. Can't I have a test double so I can take tomarrow off and still pass?